Fear’s Best Trick

Fear rarely has to convince us that something wrong is right.

It only has to make doing nothing feel reasonable.

I've thought about that a lot. Most of us probably imagine ourselves doing the right thing when it matters. In our version of the moment, the situation is clear, we understand what's happening, we know what to say and we step forward at exactly the right time. Real life is rarely that cooperative. Instead, we get uncertainty and questions: What if I'm wrong? What if they get angry? What if I embarrass myself or make things worse?

Those aren't foolish concerns. Judgment, boundaries and safety all matter, and there are absolutely times when doing nothing is the wisest choice. The difficulty is that fear can be remarkably good at borrowing the language of good judgment. We tell ourselves we're just being careful, that it's probably none of our business, that someone else is better equipped or that getting involved might only make things worse. Any of those things might be true, which is exactly what makes the distinction so difficult.

They can also provide very respectable explanations for something much simpler: we're afraid. Maybe we're afraid of being wrong, creating conflict, being embarrassed, losing someone's approval or discovering that we don't actually know what to do once we've stepped forward. That's why I've become less interested in whether I can justify a decision and more interested in whether I can be truthful with myself about why I made it.

When I choose not to act, I try to ask myself whether I'm respecting a legitimate boundary or protecting my own comfort. Am I exercising good judgment, or am I avoiding uncertainty? Is my silence thoughtful, or does silence simply happen to be easier?

There won't always be a clean answer. Fear, judgment, compassion and self-interest can all be present in the same decision, and courage doesn't require us to ignore legitimate concerns or insert ourselves into every situation. Maybe it asks something more reasonable of us: that we become honest enough to recognize when fear has disguised itself as wisdom, and willing enough to question it before we let it make the decision for us.

— Jason Alderson